Embrace

I recently returned from a trip to Seattle to see my dearest aunt and family. It was an interesting reflection on my journey over the last several years. The last time I visited was 3 years ago and I was absolutely drowning in the aftermath of Covid, King Soopers, and the Marshall Fire. I was drinking alcohol to cope and sleeping absolutely horrifically as a result. I was in the middle of the little kid years and feeling absolutely abandoned by everyone except Tim and my aunt. I was desperate, fragile, and breaking (though I don't think I realized it in the moment). While the 2021 trip was a necessary break, I was reeling in anxiety and mentally unwell. 

This trip was filled with long walks, views of the water, and quality time spent with people I love. I drank moderately and in celebration with others (never to numb myself). There were distinct moments where I had flashes of who Tim and I were before we began this parenthood journey. I am creative, curious, and present in the world. I am kind and love being around others. I love being a mother (the most), but there is also still an individual beneath this decade of parenting and she is someone I think I really, really like.

It cannot be understated how much my aunt has carried me through these years and I hate to think who I might be, how dark I might have become, if not for her reassurance, her gentle wisdom, and her stalwart support. I felt so loved sitting in their living room, my uncle nonchalantly warming my cup before pouring my coffee while my aunt and I waxed poetic about any and everything. There is both deep, cutting humor in our relationship and an innate understanding of our souls on the molecular level. It is one of the safest, most loving relationships I have had the privilege of knowing in my life and with this depth of love comes the crippling knowledge that, should I ever be here without her, it will absolutely fracture me (but I know--thanks to her--that even the worst fractures heal and that grief is but an inevitable consequence of life and love and beauty).

I look at the other parents (and mothers, specifically) around me and realize how ungodly lucky I am. Middle age is wrought with missteps, uncertainties, anxieties, and infinite unknowing. It is a crippling time of life where one is both reckoning with their family of origin and the difficulties of raising children in a complex and isolating society. Though my generation is thought to be grown up and adult, it strikes me that most of us are just frightened, large children. We are struggling. And, for most, I don't think there is a safe place to land.

My aunt has created a world in which all of my landings are soft. She connects me to the matriarchs who have come before and, especially, my grandmother. She reminds me that my life is inextricably linked to all the brave, courageous, and incredible humans who have come before. She holds an inextinguishable light, a soft gentle flame that welcomes me to her doorway, regardless of the condition in which I arrive.