Bleak

It would be healthy to write, if only I could find the words. I do not know if I am a great fool who has spent a lifetime tricking herself or a brilliant, fully-fledged adult human being who knows how to see a silver lining. Perhaps, on any given day, I am a bit of both.

The last week has been one of infinitely long days and short nights of sleep. I am worried about everything. A voice murmurs in the back of my mind that the country I love has been overtaken by lobbyists and big money and the public has been so poorly served by the dismantling of our public education system that we don't even know what we're voting for anymore. I can't help but wonder if there is any way out of this one, if on a fundamental level, democracy still exists.

One thing that became abundantly clear in the aftermath of this election is that I do love my country and, part of my heartbreak is watching us collectively take a turn toward racism, sexism, and tyranny. If this was a referendum on our open heartedness, our generosity of spirit, I am afraid that we have failed horribly. I am afraid that we are much uglier and selfish than I dared believe; it makes me angry, distrustful, and sad. In any given breath I am both bereaved and irate, hopeless and full of despair.

We dare not vote for a woman. And especially not a black one. We are horrible. And any idea of progress we've had over the last several hundred years has been largely a facade. What progress could we possibly claim if half our country watches an octogenarian jokingly fellatio a microphone and their reaction is, apparently, that he's the man we want to lead the most powerful and influential country in the world. It is hard to believe there is a way forward. It is hard to feel anything but dismay.

I want what is best for my family, but I want what is best for the weak, poor, and disenfranchised, too. I want high quality education for every one of my countrymen, preventative and comprehensive healthcare, and a country where no one is worried about how they will pay for groceries. I want the traits we exalt to be kindness and cooperation and I want my children to grow up in a world where every human being deserves dignity simply because they breathe. I want a world which is kinder than the one I grew up in and I am god damn sick of dropping my children off and wondering if they'll be ambushed in their classroom today.

I am sick of the tyrants, the lobbyists, and the hateful amongst us dictating our direction. And yet, it seems they are the majority. The merciful, just, gentle, and generous world I had falsely assumed I was living in does not, in this moment, seem to exist. 

I am heartbroken. I am worried. And, at present, utterly unable to identify the tiniest flicker of light in the distance. The world is dark and we are fractured and this grief has settled in my soul unbudgingly, a ceaseless reminder that the ugliness of humanity is in constant battle with our inclination toward generosity, kindness, and benevolence.

Democracy

A storm is swooping in, the icy chill of the wind pummeling the kids and I as we walked toward their woodworking class. The cold came, seemingly, out of nowhere. Mother Earth echoes the angst felt by so many Americans today. I have been living in denial over the past four years, pretending 2016-2020 didn't happen. The idea that we might go back terrifies me. I don't know that democracy can withstand another four years. But I can't help wonder if, perhaps, it's already too late? If my fellow Americans prefer a convicted criminal who openly makes fun of minorities, disabled individuals, and women, then perhaps we all deserve Donald Trump?

The snow will fall tonight, a thin layer insulating our little family from the madness of the political world. I will awaken tomorrow, entombed by mother nature, a reminder that she walks alongside. There will be comfort, at least, in her presence and in the bitter cold of the dark, fall morning. I will walk alongside all the women who fought for their right to timely and appropriate healthcare, all the minorities who lost their lives in pursuit of justice and equality, and alongside every LGBTQ individual who has felt unseen and unimportant.

I will walk in the company of all the souls who have fought ferociously for the idea of a more just and equal existence. I will walk forward alongside those who believed in an America for every individual and not solely for white, middle-aged, privileged men. In the company of so many individuals who have sacrificed everything, I will not feel alone. I will be embraced, in good company, by all those who have come before and, despite a great and looming darkness, continued in pursuit of a tiny, flickering light on the horizon.