My new job is hard for lots of reasons. First, because I'm not good at it yet and am making all kinds of foibles. But secondly, because it places me in a position where nearly everything I do is contentious. I'm responsible for re-vamping and re-evaluating the way that we conduct our ultrasound exams; the goal would be, of course, to align everything we do to literature-supported best practices. The bigger goal would be not just to align with best practices but to model them and be known as the best in the state.
When I signed up for the gig, it seemed like a pretty phenomenal fit. I love nerdy things like scientific articles and think of teaching very much as a passion (I have been doing it on and off since I started teaching swimming as a teenager). The piece I hadn't quite thought through, though, was the part where I would be leading an entire group of humans through some changes they likely wouldn't enjoy. And, in the absence of anyone in my position for a prolonged period, a lot of people had come to do things their own way.
This week I held a meeting where the staff organized quietly and without open dialogue with me or our physicians to undermine a new departmental change. I have been in this role for a year now and I didn't expect something small like that to knock the wind out of me. But the level of organization and the complicity of individuals I've worked really, really hard to have trusting relationships with felt like a blow. Put bluntly, I had my feelings hurt. The meeting went well and the support of a doctor-friend who collaborated on the change was absolutely instrumental. We had some essential and honest conversation and I feel like many of the fears and questions were addressed. Most importantly, the meeting relayed the essential information and allowed our team to come to somewhat of an understanding (I think).
I've been processing the whole thing throughout the week and thinking about my own personal reaction. The first day, I was simply hurt that a year of dedicated effort to this group of humans didn't seem to amount to a lot of trust; I took the entire thing personally. But as the week has progressed, that has changed into a recognition that leadership is not a popularity contest; leadership often means doing a hard, unpopular thing and despite public dissent, doing it anyway because it is the right thing.
And I think this is, generally, a good rule about being a human being on this planet. Perhaps we should worry considerably less about the thoughts and opinions of those around us and substantially more about the integrity of our hearts and minds. If we pursue a thing with the intention of improving a system or the lives of other people, then it is okay to do so, even if the process of implementation is isolated (and, in the case of this week, personally painful) and unpopular.
There are so many more things for me to learn as I figure out what, exactly, the highest priorities are for me in this gig. It is my greatest hope, however, that when I decide it is no longer the right thing for me, I have protected and nurtured my humanity while also pursuing the goals that feel most important. If along the way I look in the mirror and I can no longer feel proud of who I am or the decisions I have made, then I need to find something else to do with my time.
I hope that I will always do the right thing, even if it is not the easy thing. I hope I will not shy away from tasks which feel arduous. And, after this week, I hope I do not allow the dissent of the majority to impact a course which has been pursued with honesty and integrity and thoughtfulness. If I can accomplish those things and still recognize the humanity of the patients, staff, other leaders, and--perhaps most importantly--myself, then I think this job shall not destroy me. And, in fact, I may find my perspective and my experience quite a bit richer for having endured, learned, and grown from the humans I encounter along the way.
Be strong. Be brave. It'll be okay (even when some weeks feel like an enormous shit sandwich).
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